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Grace and Peace, Beloved! The holiday season is upon us, with all that it entails. For some it is truly a season of joy filled gatherings with family and loved ones. The on-going festivities permeate every aspect of our lives. There is absolutely no where that we can go without being reminded. It is an incredibly hectic time of year, as everyone seems consumed with the whirlwind of holidays parties – even in the workplace. Then of course there is the emphasis placed on finding the perfect gift, preparing the perfect meal and maybe even volunteering to help the less fortunate. That’s one vantage point. On the other hand, their are countless victims who have silent screams throughout the holiday season. Let’s take a look from a completely different vantage point.
To put this discussion in its proper perspective, let’s take a look at what has been established regarding Domestic Violence:
- Both men and women are victims of domestic violence.
- One in four women and one in seven men have been victims of severe physical violence.
- Nearly 15% of women (14.8 %) and 4% of men have been injured as a result of intimate partner violence.
- The Brady Center to Prevent Gun Violence reports that more than 525 women are shot and killed every year by intimate partners.
- One in Three women and one in four men have been the victim of physical violence or stalking by an intimate partner.
- The presence of a gun increases the likelihood that an abusive partner will escalate to murder.
- About every 16 hours, a woman is shot and killed by a former or current partner.
- Women who were killed by a spouse, intimate partner or close relative were 7 times more likely to have lived in homes with guns.
- The United States has experienced 485 Domestic Violence fatalities in 2018 – at the time of the publication of this blog article, there are only 4 days left in 2018.
- Among victims of child abuse, 40% report Domestic Violence in the home.
- In the United Kingdom, it is common to see a spike in assault and domestic murders by 25% over the Christmas period. Conversely, the National Domestic Violence Hotline in the United States reports a lull during this same period.
- In the United States the trend seems to be that there is a lull in domestic violence reports around Christmas Day, and there is a spike in calls January 1-2nd.
Domestic violence victims suppress “silent screams” . The holidays can be grueling.
Alright, now that the foundation has been laid, let’s look closely at the many challenges confronting an abuse victim during the holidays – or any special occasion.
The holidays are an extremely stressful time for both the victim and the abuser. Why? I’m glad you asked! The risk factors that are present exacerbate the likelihood that domestic violence will occur in some form. The financial strain of striving to meet the expectations of other in terms of gift giving and even socializing is definitely a stressor. Keeping up “appearances” is another common stressor. Having family and friends visit believe it or not can be a stressor. On the surface, one might think that having loved ones visit would help alleviate stress and provide emotional support. On the contrary, especially concerning relationships in which domestic violence has previously occurred. In such cases, having visitors in the home may actually become a “trigger” for domestic violence to rear it’s ugly head.
Every home should be a safe place for all that live there. Sadly, this is NOT the case.
Typically, an abuser uses isolation from family and friends to maintain power and control. Having others in their “space” is very uncomfortable to the abuser. This is further complicated if the guests are actually staying in the home. Furthermore, during the holidays, it is not unusual for the consumption of alcohol ( or whatever the “preferred” substance may be) to increase.
It is conceivable that the victim and abuser have a substantial increase in the amount of time that they spend together during the holidays due to holiday schedules at work or school (semester breaks). This increased exposure can lead to increased opportunities for threats of violence – and making those threats a reality. If there are school age children in the home, more likely than not, they are on break from school for the holiday. Their extended presence in the home may increase the stress that the abuser is experiencing. The presence of the children presents a need for increased “power and control” There is a likelihood that the children will witness the increased tension in the home, and possibly witness actual abuse.
Remember, that we previously shared that often there is a lull in domestic violence reports on Christmas Day, and a spike on January 1 and January 2nd? Sometimes, although the circumstances may be nearly unbearable for the victim, she/he may decide to tough it out, because they don’t want to “ruin” Christmas for their children. Domestic Violence shelters report that it is not unusual for victims that have fled abusive relationships with their children to return to the home, and the abuser over the holidays in an attempt to give their children a “good” Christmas. Many will return to shelter once the holidays have ended.
Other victims come to a completely different conclusion. They come to the realization that their children deserve better. They are ashamed that their children have had to endure so much. Sometimes this thought process become the catalyst for change. It is believed that the spike in domestic violence reports on January 1st and 2nd, may be due in part to the victim and/or abuser returning to work. This provides the victim with space to reach out for help without getting “caught”.
The abuse that is encountered, even leading up to the holidays does not have to be physical per se. Domestic violence most often initially presents in less obvious ways: name calling, hurtful “jokes”, humiliating verbally, embarrassing in front of others, profanity, betraying of confidences, criticism that is not constructive. Then, if left unchecked, it will progress to pushing, shoving, yelling, restraining and threats of harm to the victim and people, pets and/or things that are important to the victim. Sometimes, a weapon is introduced into the equation. If there is a weapon introduced, particularly a firearm, the likelihood that the abuser will eventually escalate to murder increases by 500%. Silent screams are more prevalent than society as a whole realizes.
If you , or someone you know is the victim of domestic violence, get help. Reach out. Below is a list of hotlines that are available to assist you 24 hours a day, 7 days a week:
In an immediate emergency, dial 911.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, -800-273-8255
Veterans Crisis Line, 1-800-273-8255 then press 1. Confidential Crisis Chat : Veterans Crisis Line.net, or text to 838255.
National Sexual Assault Hotline, 1-800-656-HOPE (4673)
National Domestic Violence Hotline. 1-800-799-SAFE
National Human Trafficking Hotline, 888-373-788
Listen, although you may feel alone, the truth of the matter is that you’re not alone. Many struggle with feelings of sadness, frustration, even apathy which is exacerbated by the seeming boundless ” holiday cheer of friends, co workers and neighbors. What’s important? It’s important that you are able to acknowledge your true feelings, that you are able to confide in at least one other trusted human being ( call a hotline if you need to) and that you practice self-care. If you are able to do these things, you’re already ahead of those who are not yet able to acknowledge their true feelings. Be encouraged. You are greatly loved, and there is most definitely greatness in you! Be sure to like, follow, comment and feel free to share to your social media pages. Subscribe to make sure that you don’t miss anything.
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