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Grace and Peace, Beloved of God!
The Lord has impressed upon my heart, the urgency of the need for His Church to attain increased understanding regarding this very real issue- within His Church. So often, we as believers find ourselves focused on “winning the lost” and “advancing the kingdom”. Before we can truly impact the world around us, we must “root up” and “tear down” those behaviors and mindsets that have traditionally kept us bound. This has been perpetuated under the guise of ensuring that there is “order” in the house of God.
The reality of it is this: domestic violence within the church has been dubbed the “Silent Epidemic”.
How can we continue to hide behind clergy regalia, conferences, gatherings, titles and ministry platforms when Sisters and Brothers that worship with us on a regular basis have a taste of heaven during the Sunday worship service – and an extra serving of hell after the benediction?! What in the world?! This should not be. We must do better.
Warning Signs: How to Spot an Abuser:
Are you in an abusive relationship? Are you feeling uncertain of your own perceptions at this point? Read below for a series of clear indicators:
Why Are We Talking About This?
A major impetus for me, in prayerfully preparing this series of posts regarding Domestic Violence has been the recent murder on April 10, 2017 of Karen Smith-Anderson, in San Bernardino, California. Although I’ve never met her or her family, I was greatly moved by this tragedy. She was a beloved special education teacher, mother and grandmother. She was known to be a devout Christian. By all accounts, she was a wonderful human being, caring and actively engaged in children’s ministry at her church. She was known as a “worshipper” of Jesus Christ. She was gunned down in front of her students, in her classroom by her estranged husband – a self proclaimed “pastor”. They had been married less than 3 months. He then turned the gun on himself. He had a history of domestic violence allegations lodged against him by previous partners. Two students were also shot. One of them, Jonathan Martinez, only 8 years old died of his injuries. The other student, 9 year old Nolan Brandy was hospitalized and thankfully is recovering.
What is Domestic Violence?
Let’s take a closer look. What exactly is Domestic Violence?
The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, defines Domestic Violence in this way: “The willful intimidation, physical assault, batter, sexual assault and/or other abusive behavior as part of a systematic pattern of power and control perpetrated by one intimate partner against another.”
Domestic violence not only includes the physical violence which is most readily accepted as “abusive”, but also threats and emotional abuse.
The statistics are indeed alarming:
- 1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men have been physically abused by an intimate partner.
- 1 in 3 women and 1 in 7 men have been severely physically abused by an intimate partner
- 1 in 5 women and 1 in 18 men have been stalked. Stalking causes the target to fear that she/he or someone close to them will be harmed or killed.
- On a typical day, domestic violence hotlines nationwide receive approximately 20,800 calls
- The presence of a gun increases the risk of homocide by 500%.
- Domestic violence accounts for 15% of all violent crime.
- Domestic violence is most common among women between the ages of 18-24.
- 19% of domestic violence uses a weapon.
- Only 34% who are injured receive medical care for their injuries.
Economic Impact of Domestic Violence
- Victims lose a total of 8 million days of paid work each year.
- The costs exceed $8.3 billion annually
- Between 21% – 60% of victims of domestic violence lose their jobs due to reasons stemming from the abuse.
- Between 2003-2008, 142 women were murdered in their workplace by former or current intimate partners. This amounts to 22% of workplace homocides among women.
These Statistics are Disturbing, But What Do They Have To Do With The Church?
Beloved, it is high time that we accept that the church is a microcosm of society. We can no longer pretend to be “deep and mystical”, utter cliche’s, make excuses and look the other way while co-laborers in the gospel live entrenched in fear and intimidation.
According to a Lifeway Research survey (Lifeway Research) “Innumerable Christian women and men are abused somehow every day”.
Christianity Today reports that Pastors underestimate the frequency and pervasiveness of domestic violence within their congregations.
Dr. Benjamin Keyes, with Regent University Center for Trauma Studies, stated during an interview with Christian Broadcasting Network (CBN) News:” Unfortunately in Christian marriages we have a much higher frequency of domestic violence than we do in non Christian homes.”
A study called “I Believe You: Sexual Violence and the Church” found that:
- 65% of pastors have spoken one or fewer times about domestic and sexual violence
- 22% address it annually
- 33% mention it “rarely”
- 10% have never taught on it.
I can assure you from personal experience (childhood through adulthood ) that Domestic Violence is alive and well in the church. Many of our traditions are a catalyst for this Silent Epidemic: secrecy, women being taught to be subservient, men being taught to dominate women, the biblical context of the term “submission” being twisted to suit the abuser, “pastoral counseling” being offered by those who are not qualified to do so – and who may also be harboring the same behaviors at home.
Those who are truly devoted to their Christian faith are committed to their relationship with the Lord. They don’t want to disappoint Him or dishonor Him. The advice they are often given by leadership is to “stay”, “submit”, “don’t complain”, “let go and let God”, ” don’t dishonor your spouse by sharing your ‘business’ with others, “just believe God”, “work on perfecting your own relationship with the Lord”. They are admonished that ” Love covers a multitude of faults” (inferring that the victim does not love his/ her partner enough), and that “perfect love casts out fear”. Advice such as this often serves to keep a domestic violence victim in a very dangerous, and precarious situation – and incredibly isolated.
We will absolutely continue this discussion in future posts. Going forward, we will examine the Cycle of Abuse, Safety Planning, etc.
In the meantime, if you, or someone you know is in an abusive situation here are some resources that are available to you:
- National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799- SAFE (7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224
- Your local domestic violence shelter
- It is imperative that someone besides you are aware of the conditions under which you live. It is also imperative that you not “out” your confidante to your abuser. To do so, could potentially place them in harm’s way.
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