Emotional & Verbal Abuse Overlooked ~ In the Church

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Grace and Peace, Beloved of God! Thank you for stopping by! It is our prayer that you will read this, as well as previous blog posts and realize that you and those you love deserve to be free. The Lord’s “Will” for your life is that it be abundant – and void of fear.

This post will examine the forms of abuse that are most commonly overlooked, due to being so insidious.

The Word “Insidious” is defined by Dictionary.com as: [in-sid-ee-uh s] adj., 

1. Intended to entrap or beguile 

2. Stealthily treacherous or deceitful 

3. Operating or proceeding in an inconspicuous or seemingly harmless way but with grave effect.

Emotional abuse often precedes violence, but is rarely discussed. Often times, victims do not even realize that they are being victimized, until that day when it becomes obvious to them that they have been stripped of all but a shred of dignity and self-respect. If a victim has a history of abuse, even as a child they are more likely to “normalize” the abusers behavior.

Emotional abuse often occurs ” behind closed doors” which essentially denies the victim of feedback from others regarding the abuse. This leaves the victim with only the abusers perspective – which is to places blame solely on the victim.  This ” blame shifting” often employs ” Gaslighting” (discussed in previous blogposts).

The abuser may act as though they have absolutely no idea why you are upset. He|she may even go so far as to calmly suggest that you ” get help”.

As stated previously, if  the victim has been victimized previously either in childhood or even in previous relationships, then the ability to recognize the situation as abusive may be compromised.

Remaining in an abusive relationship is a sure fired way to erode any positive self image that you may have previously possessed.

Eventually, no matter your stature in life, your socio-economic status, or educational level, remaining in a toxic relationship will undermine your confidence in your own perceptions.

The resulting guilt, anguish and self-doubt are demoralizing. This empowers the abuser. Quiet as it is kept, despite their incessant apologies (wrapped in blame), your demoralization is their life’s blood. It feeds their insatiable need for control, and their unnatural desire to be the center of your universe.

Here’s the deal: in order to remain in this toxic and potentially lethal “situation” (I am reticent to calling it a “relationship”) the victim must become “sick” along with the abuser. What do I mean by that? Keep reading, and fasten your seat belt!

Typically intermittent reinforcement is utilized ” full throttle”. Remember that domestic violence occurs in a “cycle”. Each phase of the  ” Cycle of Violence” may vary in intensity, and duration from one relationship to the next, but they will manifest!

The abuser may be especially attentive and nurturing between ” episodes” of active abuse. There may even be areas of your relationship that in your opinion seem to work well: perhaps you have built a business or ministry together, or have produced beautiful children.

Abusers generally have an insatiable need to control and dominate everyone in their immediate sphere of influence. They tend to possess an uncanny ability to present as dedicated, loving and caring partners to those outside of the home.

Although the abuse generally begins in a very subtle manner, the more confident the abuser becomes that the victim will not leave, the more blatant the abuse becomes.

A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.

Abusers use verbal abuse to keep the victim both off balance and under control. It is not unusual for them to display ” mood swings”:  happy and fun loving one moment, and angry, accusatory and threatening the next, due to a perceived injustice.

If you are reading this, and find yourself wondering if your relationship is abusive, it probably is.

Emotional abuse is characterized by speech or behavior that is denigrating, controlling, manipulative. Verbal abuse is characterized by blaming, criticizing, name-calling, damaging comments hidden within “jokes” or sarcasm, and/or lying.

The abuser is committed to two things: 1. Controlling the victim, and 2. Avoiding meaningful conversation and accountability.

Any attempt to dialogue sensibly with an abuser will be met with allegations, maligning, tears or rage. The objective? To instill guilt, confusion and/or fear in the victim thereby bringing any attempt to hold the abuser accountable to a screeching halt.

Beloved, if you believe that the Lord requires that you honor a ” covenant” with your abuser, when you are being emotionally, verbally or physically battered, you are listening to the wrong voice.

Consider this: your abuser has already violated and dishonored any covenant that existed between you. You then, are attempting to honor the “illusion” of a covenant – a shattered covenant.

Get help. Now – before your destiny and purpose are aborted. That is NOT the Lord’s will for your life.

If you or someone you know is trapped in a cycle of violence, there is help available 24/7.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE)

National Domestic Violence Hotline : National Domestic Violence Hotline

Deaf and Hard of Hearing TTY: 1-800-787-3224

Please know that we are standing with you and warring for you, in the realm of the spirit! We believe God. He is a strong deliverer, and He is faithful! He loves us with an everlasting love!

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